Another day in paradise

I used to think that crying because of your job was just a first year thing. I never imagined that I would be fighting back tears 4 years into my career, especially since I survived my first year without a single tear. I realize now, however, that in an urban school, crying is quite normal for teachers at all levels of experience. I've never seen so many coworkers sitting in their classrooms during planning or after school with red eyes and crumpled tissues.

Today I had an eye-welling moment as I was trying to get through Caesar. Progress through the play had been painfully slow because certain students would interupt the class shouting out, "I need to go to the bathroom" or "I don't got a book". Those I did not allow to put their heads down during the class shouted disruptively until I had to send them down to the office. Every other day I need to call security down to pull another defiant or disruptive student out of the class. The more I told them to remain silent, the more some of them protested, joked, laughed, and caused mayhem. Finally, I grew so frustrated trying to move on with the play that I told them they could figure it out themselves and take the quiz on their own. I sat down and ignored them while I made up a quiz. To my amazement, they grew quiet. The two noisiest students actually started trying reading the play on their own. The one student who, no matter what, would not listen, got up and walked out. The rest were silent.

I waited another minute or two, then asked the class if they were ready to continue on. They were and we were able to move forward. It was so hard to let go though, you always want to keep working and helping them. But I had enough of their manipulating. Once I started ignoring them, it came clear to me that they merely wanted attention, and I was giving it to them by telling them to be quiet or trying to regulate them. It was a really hard lesson though, and before I sat down and ignored them, I was 2 seconds from breaking into tears.

Our job is so difficult. Most people in the outside world seem to understand that, but you never really understand it until you've lived it. That's why no amount of classroom education can prepare you for teaching. The experienced teachers told me about the ignoring thing, but I didn't really understand it until I went through it today. There are so many aspects of this job that you have to learn the hard way, step by step, and day by day.

It's all worth it though. I look at myself and sometimes marvel at how much patience I've acquired since I started. I'm so much stronger in ways I never would've imagined. Most of all, I actually did something to help people. I love that. I love that I help people all day long. I love my job! It kills me, but I love it.